Final Realizations
by AznxAngel
Summary: The shards of glass falling to the floor in a chorus of pangs and the glittering light that reflected form every angle. It was breathless, but the most important thing was that the image of myself wasn't there anymore. Perfect. I knew from that point what


Crawling  
  
Crawling in my skin  
These wounds, they will not heal  
Fear is how I fall  
Confusing what is real  
  
Leaning on the post his bed Heero Yuy looked at his reflection in the mirror. Seeing his face scared him out of his mind. He was looking into the eyes of someone who had killed a large percentage of the popluation of some colonies. He was one covered in the innocient blood of other men, women and children. He never wanted to be an emotionless demon. Now that the war is over he had nothing to do. He sat in his lonesome apartment wasting away replaying all the images of suffering people in his mind. He winced as he remembered the little girl and her dog. He had almost let himself break and let her live. She was harmless, but he drove his bullet right through her. Heero closed his eyes and sat on the bed. The memories were always there haunting his soul, telling of his eternal damnation to be in hell. He feared for himself. He feared greatly what he had become, in his eyes he could never be human. No human could inflict so much pain.  
  
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming, confusing  
This lack of self control I fear is never ending  
Controlling  
  
Knowing that sitting his apartment for the rest of his life would not save him from his sins he decided to walk for a while he put on a light jacket and headed towards the door. He stepped out into cool night filled with luminous stars. Leaning against the closed door he made a move towards the stairs. As he began to exit the apartment complex, he found that Relena sat in the parking lot of the building. Intaking a large heave of air he moved forward careful not to get her attention just yet. As he approached her he felt something inside him begin to burn. Something inside was calling to him. Screaming of bloody murders, pain and agony. Scrunching his brows he sighed aloud averting Relena's attention his way. Relena stood and took an effort to fight the chill while nearing Heero. Heero's mind was spinning. Why is it that he didn't want her near him. Is it because he actually cared for her?  
  
"Heero." Relena had exhaled his name like air to her lungs. It rolled off her tongue with ease and it stug his ears to hear it come from her lips.  
  
Nodding in response Heero gave a simple gesture of acknowledgement. Taking one more bold step closer to her he sighed as he was beginning to loose control over himself. Heero wanted to know what it was that he was so drawn to by her. She was almost a fear. She was an untouchable and precious stone. If touched by corrupt hands she would shatter into a million shards and become nothing like the rest of them.  
  
'Since when have I become a man of emotions? Where did the once perfect soldier of war go? He used to be swift, concentrated and mainly a survivor. Now I can't even control myself from tugging into a half smile when this ....this....girl, no woman is near. Who the hell am I?'  
  
I can't seem  
To find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before  
So insecure  
Chorus  
  
*Heero's POD*  
  
Before I knew what was going on, in a blink of an eye I was inviting Relena over to my place to talk. Since when did I have a soft spot for insignificant people? I opened the door as the floor boards creaked as our weight pushed against the smooth wooden floors. Turning to Relena to ask if she wanted a drink I see her looking at me.  
  
"Is there something wrong?" I asked half-heartedly.  
  
"Yes. Heero do you know your still living the life of a soldier? You have no luxuries. Nothing of simple pleasures to have around for entertainment. Do you understand that the war is over and there is nothing to fight for? Won't you stop hurting yourself and drop that mask of yours? For yourself? For me?" Relena stepped close to my face and placed a hand on my cheek. The contact of skin was powerful. Her warmth sizzled and my skin melted against her touch.  
  
Removing her hand from my face I answered. "Relena, I know that the war is in fact over and that I should be starting over, but how am I to live a life in which I am completely alien to? My whole life I have learned to live as a cruel and heartless soldier. Recieving honor, protection and a will to live in return to kill. I can't change the way I live from my old life. Its a huge jump. I'm only human and as strange as it may seem, there is something inside of me from birth that made me rightfully a soldier. The strength, the courage, and all the abnormal stregnths that not all others have. I was born to become a soldier and I fufilled my destiny there is nothing more I can do."  
  
Distracting, reacting  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting how I can't seem...  
  
Relena jerked her head away from me knowing that I was right. It stung her that I could not live normally with her but it was only the truth. I wished with great hopes that I one day would live a normal life. I turned myself to the mirror I had looked at earlier. I saw a man of 19. A man who had gone through more things exceeding the amount of experiences of a normal man. My exterior was a hard shell. I was a robot created for fighting. My meaning of life is gone and now I have nothing to live for. I had Relena as a friend. I felt more but not enough. She could do better than me. I was one of the lowly pieces of scum that she sacrificed her childhood to fight against. She had spent her life creating a place where people could get away from it all. Away from monsters like me.  
To find myself again  
My walls are closing in  
(Without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before  
So insecure  
  
There was still something inside me that screamed that there was still something left. Something that was untouched and must be destoryed. I couldn't tell what it was telling me, but when the thought arose to my head I felt it wreal and spin. I was drowning in so many strange thoughts all of which were damaged by my previous events in the war. There was still something left undone. If I find it and alter it I would be able to rest with ease on my death bed. Looking into the mirror one more time something odd over came my limbs. I had the urge to thrash at the mirror. Balling my hands into fists I began to shake as my will against doing so was beginning to crumble. I didn't hold back and I thrust my hand at the mirror. Beautiful. It was simply beautiful. The shards of glass falling to the floor in a chorus of pangs and the glittering light that reflected form every angle. It was breathless, but the most important thing was that the image of myself wasn't there anymore.  
Perfect. I knew from that point what I was to do.  
  
"Heero what is wrong with you?! Are you okay? Are you hurt?" Relena screamed.  
  
I looked at with a brief look of uncertainty. I began thinking that if I were to leave would someone protect her? Will she be taken care of? It didn't matter. I have to do this even if I can't be here to protect her. The way I'm taking is the only way for the rest of the world to be at peace. Placing my hand in the inner pocket of my shirt I pulled my gun out of it's holster. This got Relena's full attention.  
  
"Just what do you think you are doing? Heero your not going to do it. You can't commit suicide?! What about me?! My beliefs?! Who will be there to protect me...to love me?!" Relena shouted as the tears began to meddle with her lashes.  
  
"The fact that I am living goes against your every word and hope of peace. I don't know how to explain it but there is something that told me. The inner soldier that was born in Wing Zero out in the battlefields. Wing Zero is a part of me. I can't fight that. It is what I am. A machine of war. I can say this numerous times. The thoughts on living a new life threaten the very existance of my inner soldier and everything that I had spent the years of my life for. I don't have any control over anything. The only thing I can* control is death." Raising my gun to my head I quickly let off the safety and closed my eyes. I knew at that moment looking at Relena would only delay my fate. I squeezed the trigger. I felt it pass right through me. The strange thing was, it burned. I opened my eyes expecting to see Relena crying instead I found flames. They burned all around me and all I could do was laugh. This was it. I was a hell child born for the purpose of chaos.While in the living  
I was surrounded by it and even still I am.  
There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface  
Consuming, confusing  
This lack of self control I fear is never ending  
Controlling (Whispered during chorus) 


End file.
